Mild pressure, easy burning,
Just a little buzz in the back of my mind;
Most days I forget and walk on
because picking at scabs just makes scars
worse.
They're just scars
that burn
with every vibrant reminder
a poker plunged into the depths
of all the missing pieces torn to leave that shiny puckered mark
for everyone to see.
I'm tired
of that shadow coming up to shake my hand
expecting a clean merging of night and day
into some murky medium
that I want to believe
I can float through
with half-closed eyes
a half-beating heart.
I'm worried
when I feel that crackling behind my eyes
that rippling fury I wear closer than skin;
I know
it's as transparent as I try to act;
that everyone can see
I'm two minutes from breaking
three from hard apathy
and if you hear that clock ticking down you better start fucking running.
But no -- instead, let the audience
just smile
and placate
pat my hand and tell me
how hard it must have been
how hard to even imagine
how hard to survive.
They do not understand
who they are fucking with.
They do not
understand
the volume of what's so carefully contained
behind hours of babbling
and screaming
and masochistic calm under a needle;
the soothing
and healing
and holding on
to letting go
just to maintain a rigidly gentle simmer.
But then again, maybe it's me
that still doesn't understand
because I can't turn around
can't look it in the face
without
feeling
that gloriously clean and beautiful rage
that makes me invincible
and
terrible
and unstoppable
start boiling up
inside the deepest parts
from all the darkest parts
of me
all I want is to unleash it and let it burn everything
leave nothing
to forget
to be mad at
to fight
to make me feel
like I'm barely keeping
from baring my teeth
containing that growl
leaving my
fists
clenched to my sides
instead of flying through the air
to connect
with anything and everything
I know I can make bleed
because oh, how I want it
all to bleed sometimes.
Sometimes, I just need
my head tucked under your chin
my own little space to breathe
your kiss on my forehead
your nearly silent, "It's ok." against my ear
your swinging hug that makes me squeak
and feel
like I'm much, much too tiny
to keep carrying
this fury
around
inside me
my tiger in a cage
your silent reminder
that I
don't have to keep proving
to myself and all the world how oh, so
very, very strong I am
by fighting with
every
single
blazing
furious
breath I take
despite the fact that no one
else
really knows what I'm
fighting for
your look that tells me it's
okay
to let go
for just one minute,
to just let it all out
in a big
messy rush without that frantic control
your quick squeeze of my hand to remind me
that I'm
not always the only one fighting for me.
Though it all just smolders
though it's all just heavy
though it's not even close to over
you never fail
to remind me
I can do it on my own
and I don't need to.