Therapy

Chain-smoking
in the dark,
watching
all that shit
exhaled
like it's
nothing,
not doing
anything
to me.
Wishing
it was
just
that
easy.

Darkened

Pray
for the breaking, for the crash, to just
come
and
consume
the pressure that's
crushing
that little piece of humanity
clinging
to the last innocent shard of your heart.

Roar
in defiance, to
push
that imminent breaking--you
know
you
crave
it more than breath, but you
know
you can't
clean
the inevitable pieces fast enough to
hide
the inside that will
burst
outside as soon as you
exhale.

Shelter
that small morsel of innocence before you
rupture
and all the darkened rest of you
floods
that tender, tough, tiny thing that
nudges,
oh, so gently, to
remind
you to
remain
true, clean and more than just a shadow of everyone else.

Breathe
deep to
rediscover
the lukewarm goodness
cradled
in that shrinking heart that
stretches
to keep
pounding
not so far beneath the surface,
whispering
weakly at whatever piece of you will
listen,
in the shimmering hope that you'll
wake
and
remember
that you don't have to
die
in the dark.

Patience

Patience. Not really my strongest suit.

There's this guy I've been seeing. It's been rewarding and frustrating at the same time: he's intelligent, attractive, hilarious and a gentleman. The frustration has come from the fact that I'm used to being chased, and he's not doing that. He's definitely making sure to hang out with me and make sure i know he's interested, but the pace is such that i wonder if he's genuinely busy or simply testing me. I don't enjoy being tested.

However, i am definitely, definitely interested in this guy. He's phenomenal. The conversations we have are intelligent, educated, and vary greatly in subject. The physical attraction is definitely there. The way he treats me is incredibly respectful, something Im not used to. When we hang out, he only ever looks at my face. Nearly identical sense of humor. Interested in the day-to-day details. Always texts me good night and good morning. Adorable. Pays for everything. Has his own place, car and job. No kids. Loves dogs. Ambitious. As interested in keeping his mind in shape as his body. Package deal.

But me, being impulsive, slightly insecure, and impatient....trying too hard. Gotta play the lady who knows what she's worth and is looking for the man willing to take his to get to know and woo her. (never really been wooed)

We've gone out a few times and he's never tried to kiss me. Slightly perplexed.

Gotta be patient. It'll be sweeter for it.

Stupid. Drives me crazy. Especially because i can't tell if he's doing it purposely to make me chase him, or if that's just how he is.

Don't care. Gonna breathe, keep focusing on work, and let it go how it's gonna go.

Also, he has an incredibly psycho ex. Hilarious to watch and hear about. Poor guy.

Ugh. I'll make it.