Here's to having grown into healthier coping mechanisms.
Sunday, April 29, 2007 at 1:01am ·
I've been reading this book, Unhooked
by Laura Sessions Stepp, and to be honest, it's been... difficult. It's
about this generation's "unhooked culture" -- the way we hook up
instead of seek intimate, involved, committed relationships. I just
didn't realize I was so far into it (that "culture") before reading this
book. Reading it was like viewing and analyzing a written account of
all my attitudes, expectations, goals, and insecurities -- definitely
hard to get through, but addictive nonetheless. I didn't realize how...
good, honestly, how wonderful it felt to know that I'm not the only one
to have such contradicting wants and beliefs.
On the one hand, I love the idea of hooking up. Not for the easy sex, but for the ability to "unhook," or call it off in a moment without any emotional backfire (or so I thought). I don't know when I started to compare a committed relationship to incarceration but at some point I crossed that line. Any serious relationship in my life seems like an attack on my freedom and independence, my chance to experience the things a 19 year old young woman is "supposed" to experience -- several boyfriends, parties without worrying about hurting someone, etc, etc.
Unfortunately, no matter what happens afterwards, sex helps me relate and connect to people so I end up feeling confused and hurt afterwards, especially if there's something more in the equation that I don't want to admit -- any kind of vaguely substantial feeling, any possibility of "love" or attachment or even slight compatibility -- and, honestly, I don't know how to deal with it, after these couple of years of just... doing what I want. I'm not proud to admit I've cheated on every single boyfriend I've ever had (the list isn't that long, but still, every single boyfriend), but I am too proud to say I completely regret those actions. I've always done what feels right in the moment, whether it actually be "right" or not -- I follow my heart, and sometimes (again, not proud to admit this), my heart listens more to my libido, or loneliness, or just that need to connect with people on a higher level. I didn't realize in this last year, when my sexual activity's been much higher (and promiscuous) than normal, that that was my way of searching for something substantial and meaningful, while trying to remain in control of what I feel and where the relationship might go.
Where does it come from? A simple need to control everything? But where does that stem from? The young women of today are raised with the idea of being able to achieve everything and anything they desire -- it's shoved down our throats as we mature and learn to prioritize, while developing what will later become our strengths, used to influence our world. We're all told that we don't need a man to be happy (just this last week I told a friend that "the day a man pays my bills is the day I die") or fulfilled, that we can be completely independent, achieve more than we would with a life partner, and can be completely happy in ourselves without that male counterpart to come home to.
True, but not true. We can be happy, yes, knowing we've swung hardest and grabbed hold of everything we see, conquered and become the best at whatever we do while making more money than any guy we meet. That's satisfying, yes, and makes our mothers proud. "Love moderately," they say. "Wait," they advise us. "You'll have time for love after you set up your career," they assure us. "Don't make my generation's mistake -- look at the divorce rates!" they warn us.
What our mothers don't realize, though, is the fact that they (granted, not just our mothers -- society, and our relationships with our fathers as well) are the ones who ingrained that into our minds, that "what we want" is to succeed as much if not more than men, and be happy and self-sufficient in doing so. The confidence this brings is incredibly empowering, if unreal; however, that wasting feeling of confusion, sometimes loneliness, is also unreal. We don't have time for serious boyfriends when we're busy conquering and shaping the world, and frankly, we don't want to -- most of us view serious boyfriends as black holes, trying to suck down all our freedom, ambitions, emotions, and energy. When we would have time to study? To spend time with friends? To develop our sense of self? To conquer? We wouldn't. Our beautiful, perfect, controlled alternative: "hooking up", which covers every sexual activity from making out to fondling to oral sex to sexual intercourse.
Our thoughts: Why be the prey when we can be the pursuer? Why wait for men to approach and woo us (which is what we really, truly want -- who doesn't feel amazingly cherished and wanted when "courted?" But why admit that?) when, in our minds and past experiences, all they ultimately want to do is get in our pants? Why not flaunt our sexuality and turn their game around on them? We can just as easily flirt and seduce our way into their bed, and even more easily leave before morning with no intention of ever calling them again. We shoot, we score, we walk away clean and unrestrained, and with a strange, half-feeling of connection, intimacy, and almost-fulfillment -- yet we don't understand why, days later, we're hurt and trying to cope with the odd, again half-feeling of rejection. Why, in our right minds, aren't we happy with all this control and power we're waving over our heads?
Well, it can't be because it's not a real relationship -- who even has those anymore? Relationships are never perfect, unlike our grades, social lives, and bodies, so why deal with it? We're raised on the idea that we need to give 110% to everything we do, so why should we invest our time and energy into a relationship that will undoubtedly backfire two or three years down the road? What a waste, right?
Unfortunately, it's what we all want. Whether we will ever actually develop real courage, instead of that shit we put up when we approach a guy with "the look" all over our face, and find the strength to refrain from hooking up until the right guy comes along is very, very sketchy. Why wait? We're a generation of go-getters, achievers, conquerors, and straight up Amazons. We own this place. We made this time period. We don't have time to wait, but we don't have the heart to try, try, try again. Why give in and let the guys rule the stage, anyway?
So that's where I am right now -- torn between this feeling of needing to figure out who I am without any kind of intimate, male relationship, and this feeling of wanting, more than anything, to be married and surrounded by children. God, though -- what a commitment. That's a life sentence right there.
On the one hand, I love the idea of hooking up. Not for the easy sex, but for the ability to "unhook," or call it off in a moment without any emotional backfire (or so I thought). I don't know when I started to compare a committed relationship to incarceration but at some point I crossed that line. Any serious relationship in my life seems like an attack on my freedom and independence, my chance to experience the things a 19 year old young woman is "supposed" to experience -- several boyfriends, parties without worrying about hurting someone, etc, etc.
Unfortunately, no matter what happens afterwards, sex helps me relate and connect to people so I end up feeling confused and hurt afterwards, especially if there's something more in the equation that I don't want to admit -- any kind of vaguely substantial feeling, any possibility of "love" or attachment or even slight compatibility -- and, honestly, I don't know how to deal with it, after these couple of years of just... doing what I want. I'm not proud to admit I've cheated on every single boyfriend I've ever had (the list isn't that long, but still, every single boyfriend), but I am too proud to say I completely regret those actions. I've always done what feels right in the moment, whether it actually be "right" or not -- I follow my heart, and sometimes (again, not proud to admit this), my heart listens more to my libido, or loneliness, or just that need to connect with people on a higher level. I didn't realize in this last year, when my sexual activity's been much higher (and promiscuous) than normal, that that was my way of searching for something substantial and meaningful, while trying to remain in control of what I feel and where the relationship might go.
Where does it come from? A simple need to control everything? But where does that stem from? The young women of today are raised with the idea of being able to achieve everything and anything they desire -- it's shoved down our throats as we mature and learn to prioritize, while developing what will later become our strengths, used to influence our world. We're all told that we don't need a man to be happy (just this last week I told a friend that "the day a man pays my bills is the day I die") or fulfilled, that we can be completely independent, achieve more than we would with a life partner, and can be completely happy in ourselves without that male counterpart to come home to.
True, but not true. We can be happy, yes, knowing we've swung hardest and grabbed hold of everything we see, conquered and become the best at whatever we do while making more money than any guy we meet. That's satisfying, yes, and makes our mothers proud. "Love moderately," they say. "Wait," they advise us. "You'll have time for love after you set up your career," they assure us. "Don't make my generation's mistake -- look at the divorce rates!" they warn us.
What our mothers don't realize, though, is the fact that they (granted, not just our mothers -- society, and our relationships with our fathers as well) are the ones who ingrained that into our minds, that "what we want" is to succeed as much if not more than men, and be happy and self-sufficient in doing so. The confidence this brings is incredibly empowering, if unreal; however, that wasting feeling of confusion, sometimes loneliness, is also unreal. We don't have time for serious boyfriends when we're busy conquering and shaping the world, and frankly, we don't want to -- most of us view serious boyfriends as black holes, trying to suck down all our freedom, ambitions, emotions, and energy. When we would have time to study? To spend time with friends? To develop our sense of self? To conquer? We wouldn't. Our beautiful, perfect, controlled alternative: "hooking up", which covers every sexual activity from making out to fondling to oral sex to sexual intercourse.
Our thoughts: Why be the prey when we can be the pursuer? Why wait for men to approach and woo us (which is what we really, truly want -- who doesn't feel amazingly cherished and wanted when "courted?" But why admit that?) when, in our minds and past experiences, all they ultimately want to do is get in our pants? Why not flaunt our sexuality and turn their game around on them? We can just as easily flirt and seduce our way into their bed, and even more easily leave before morning with no intention of ever calling them again. We shoot, we score, we walk away clean and unrestrained, and with a strange, half-feeling of connection, intimacy, and almost-fulfillment -- yet we don't understand why, days later, we're hurt and trying to cope with the odd, again half-feeling of rejection. Why, in our right minds, aren't we happy with all this control and power we're waving over our heads?
Well, it can't be because it's not a real relationship -- who even has those anymore? Relationships are never perfect, unlike our grades, social lives, and bodies, so why deal with it? We're raised on the idea that we need to give 110% to everything we do, so why should we invest our time and energy into a relationship that will undoubtedly backfire two or three years down the road? What a waste, right?
Unfortunately, it's what we all want. Whether we will ever actually develop real courage, instead of that shit we put up when we approach a guy with "the look" all over our face, and find the strength to refrain from hooking up until the right guy comes along is very, very sketchy. Why wait? We're a generation of go-getters, achievers, conquerors, and straight up Amazons. We own this place. We made this time period. We don't have time to wait, but we don't have the heart to try, try, try again. Why give in and let the guys rule the stage, anyway?
So that's where I am right now -- torn between this feeling of needing to figure out who I am without any kind of intimate, male relationship, and this feeling of wanting, more than anything, to be married and surrounded by children. God, though -- what a commitment. That's a life sentence right there.
