Here's the deal: Matt left me. It sucks. I'm learning I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.
Living alone is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Seriously. The nights are hard, the silence is so deeply insistent on soul-searching that it burns, and the one-sided conversations with my dogs or my TV are... well... ridiculous. Right now, my goals are to PAY MY RENT, become a pool shark, and learn to rap. The rapping is actually coming along fairly well. I figure Eminem was the first really good white rapper, Nikki Minaj is one of the best female rappers, sooo... I should probably be the first amazing white female rapper. It's gonna happen. Don't worry.
In the meantime, I'm freaking out. Hours at work were cut to the point that I can't afford everything by myself, so I'm frantically searching for a room mate and/or a second job. The downside is that my newest four-legged brute, Kilo (American Bulldog/American Staffordshire mix), is absolutely horrid when left alone. Seriously. So he has to be crated while I'm gone, which means he's locked up while I'm at work.
Also in the meantime, apparently I'm a hot commodity. The rebound offers are nearly uncountable. It's ridiculous. I've never felt more like a piece of meat in my entire life. Have had a couple of bad (and fairly scary) instances, learned my lesson, and have definitely taken more realistic precautions against people who may decide to just show up at my house.
Ugh.
Stupid men.
Other than the incredible weight-loss inducing stress I'm trudging through every day, things are good. Seriously, I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. There were so many things I thought that I couldn't do, and then when Matt moved out, I found out that I could. And it's incredible, though also humbling, when I find something I actually can't do. Having to ask my neighbors and/or friends for help has definitely brought my ego down to a more manageable level, though figuring out all the things I can do and deal with on my own have solidified what's left of it.
Pretty sure this is a good thing. No, I know it's a good thing, because it's hard. Despite the rumors, threats, trash-talking and loss of known foundation, I'm building my own self out of nothing but myself. It's tough. It's weird. I'm not looking to anyone but myself to be my example, and I'm discovering a lot of ugly things in the mirror.
Here's to flipping off that asshole in the mirror and walking away.
I'm very proud of you, sis. There were several people that did not understand why I had to hide away after I dumbed that assuant (ask me about that term later) and now you finally do.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong. This is for the best. As always, it's not a question of whether you will screw up or whether you will be weak, but how you overcome and learn from those moments.
It's been two years since I've shared a sleeping bed with someone. It still isn't easy because we are born snugglers. But it's better to be alone than continue being an ugly asshole you have to look in the mirror.
Love ya girly!
Buddy :)