Productivity for the sake of distraction

Some people's kids are just....kids. For their entire lives. I'm encountering this in a very strong, manipulative, deceiving and motivated sense as a co-worker of mine bleeds every lie and poison she can think of into the ears and hearts of anyone who will listen in an attempt to either get me fired or make sure she gets unemployment.

Unfortunately, it seems to be working.

I am profoundly struggling with keeping my head on straight, my heart tamped, and my mouth shut when I can't accomplish either of those things, which is, honestly, often; to be the object of such scandalous lies and realizing that openly defending myself only makes me look guilty of those accusations, thus understanding the crucial need to keep my mouth shut, is quite honestly one of the hardest tests in self-control, faith, and confidence I've ever experienced. My too-quick-to-anger tendencies are also frustrating, in that I understand that those instant-rage reactions are just me letting her get under my skin. I find myself thinking about "the injustice of it all", and then kicking myself for being a whiny, emo hipster. Fuck the justice. All that matters is the facts, most of which, at this point, are either unheard or dismissed.

Despite this, I refuse to let her win.
I refuse.

...honestly, the worst part of this entire situation is my temper. Let's just say things wouldn't be so .... clean if I didn't recognize the necessity of discretion. She's winning over not only my boss but a good percentage of my co-workers, slowly leeching any and all support towards her, despite the fact that she has repeatedly and publicly demonstrated her complete mental instability, maliciously manipulative tendencies, and pathological lying and attention-whoring.

Some people's kids.

To deal with all this, I've done the following in the past 36 hours:

1. Cried.
2. Swore.
3. Prayed.
   
4. Screamed.
5. Thrown things. Mostly soft things. Mostly.
6. Cleaned like the fate of my eternal soul depended on it.
7. Spent more time on the phone in the last 24 hours than I have in the past month.
8. Cried some more.
9. Stared at the ceiling.
10. Cleaned some more.
11. Listened to dubstep.
12. Drove like a legitimate maniac.
13. Chain smoked, while praying.
    
14. Kept my cool at work; kept all emotion out of my voice when speaking with my boss or his wife, then cried my guts out against Matt's chest as soon as I hung up the phone.
15. Questioned how the fuck it got to this point.
16. Fantasized very passionately and imaginatively about extremely non-ethical and non-passive actions, in relation to said co-worker and/or her property (fuck the fact that she lives across the street from a cop. Fuck. It.).
17. Cried some more.
18. Chain smoked some more, while reading and drinking Rolling Rock.
    
19. Cleaned some more.
20. Created a file on my desktop full of screen shots of the bullshit she's spouting on facebook, for evidence.
21. Watered the lawn while brooding, smoking, drinking, muttering, and imagining the water pooling in a much less peaceful and nourishing manner, rising to cover something (only slightly) more sentient than grass.
    
22. Yelled and screamed some more.
23. Napped with my dogs, on the floor, in a mess of blankets.
24. Convinced myself I'm stronger than I am.
    
25. Eaten horrible things.
    
26. Kicked inanimate objects.
    
27. Stared at the ceiling again.
28. Listened to more dubstep.
29. Told myself to lighten the fuck up, get the fuck over it, grow a pair, and keep the bitch out of my head.
30. Prayed.
31. Decided that I'm done giving a shit.
32. Eaten a peanut butter and honey sandwich.
    

Awesomely, I found 140 bucks in my glove box today. Thank you, God, for always waiting until I can literally feel myself edge towards two minutes from breaking before stepping in and letting me know You're still listening.

...I am slightly awed and definitely in shock to find that there is, literally, honestly, nothing left to clean in my house. I can say with full confidence that I have never, ever, in my entire life, been able to claim that.

Now, it's time to dig out the camping gear.

Tomorrow's going to be shitty. It's going to be ugly. It's going to be hell. There's no way to put an optimistic spin on it, so I won't even try. All I'm going to do is show up to work, smile, do my job better than anyone else ever can, keep my chin up, and count down the hours til I can shut my car door and disappear into the mountains for a few days.

All I need is that little glimmer of peace, hovering in the distance, to keep me going.

Amen.