Struggle

As one of the only Christians among my very close friends and family, I struggle. Not that anyone makes fun of my faith or challenges me (though they could). I just...struggle. I am one of the few in my life that believes in (even I don't always follow) the Bible, and sometimes it's just...hard.

Today, when I walked into my dad's house, he yelled, "Lace! Thank (gosh) you're here!" like I was some kind of superhero. Typical of my hilarious father. Some time later, he said that I should do the same thing when he walks into my house, that it could be "our thing". I told him I couldn't. He had a confused expression on his face when he asked me why, and I explained, after some hesitation, that I don't take the Lord's name in vain. He told me, basically/in other words, that it wasn't, because I could be actually thanking God that he was there. I told him I didn't want to because I didn't like it.

He seemed upset and a little put off by it; I asked if he could remember the last time I took the Lord's name in vain. He countered with the fact that "God" isn't really His name, just the name we gave Him. I told him I still didn't like it. He (considerately) tried to think of an alternative but equally catchy phrase we could use once he realized I was serious, and even encouraged me to as well, so we could still have our "thing".

We didn't come up with anything.

The rest of my visit he seemed troubled--at the time I thought it was because of other things we were discussing, but looking back, I wonder if it really was because this is, quite honestly, the first time I haven't played along with my dad's games and jumped at the chance to have a "thing" with him.

My father means the world to me. For almost as long as I can remember, I've tried so hard to gain his approval, pride and respect. I thought, once, and you may hear me say this again and again, that I'd gotten beyond the point in my life where I wanted those things from him, that I didn't "need" it, that I didn't give a shit what he thought because it's my life and I have to answer only to myself (and God) at the end of the day. I felt that way and believed myself right in feeling that way for a very long time until I caught myself altering the way I was telling him about my life, every single time we spoke, so that he could more easily lean toward being proud of me. This, honestly, made me horribly and intensely ashamed for lying not only to myself but to my father, through omission or very selective phrasing. Struggling with that shame and desire for approval made me realize that it's okay for me to want my father to be proud of me as long as it wasn't to the point it had reached: denial and dishonesty.

I find myself struggling with this tonight, wondering if that's why my dad was acting so weird while I was with him. Was it my refusal to make it "our thing" because of my beliefs, or was it the personal things he told me about? Was he disapproving, unsure of what to make of his half-Christian child, or was he stressed and worn out from the rest of his life?

Tonight I find that I'm struggling not only with being the sole Christian in my immediate family, but also with my need for my father's approval.

I've decided that the best solution is to not ask him; not to avoid a confrontation (which is honestly highly unlikely), but to keep myself from inadvertantly belittling my decision (thus my beliefs) in order to gain his approval.

And so I lay me down to sleep...struggling and (mostly) silent.